Life changing moment 2 decades later...

Sooooo... I was contemplating if I should post this blog for the past three days. But then I realise, "Hey, who cares what others think or say? I know Jesus will not judge me so why am I worrying how others might see me?"

SO ! Like it or not, I'm posting this! Haters gonna hate!

P.S. I feel that this song goes so well with my story I just had to include it! Thanks to my friend who sent me this song! Here we go....

I’m three days into my 24 years old life. Nothing special. I did not become extremely mature in a night, did not lose any weight, did not save any money, neither did i get a boyfriend.

But one thing for sure, my life changed because I returned to the arms of Christ.

I learnt to surrender my life to Him and let Him do His will. And sure enough, my life changed.

My prayers were heard, things started to happen and I finally feel His presence around me.

So as my story goes, 5 years ago I knew Jesus. I used to be an atheist. And I truly only believe in myself. No one but myself.. I believe that only with my own strength and hard work will I achieve what I really want. Only myself. And I was a very cheerful and positive girl and nothing negative would bring me down easily... but things started to take a change...

So 5 years ago when I knew Christ, I never fully believed. I never gave my 100% to Him. I mean, I have never believed in the existence of Gods etc, obviously it was not easy for me to truly believe the existence of Him as i always had trust issues.

And then, things happened. While I was in church. Scary things happened. Things that made me lose faith in both human and God. And I left. And once again, I choose to believe in myself instead of anyone else out there. Preachers were not doing what they preach but instead the total opposite, which made me even more confuse. I hear pastor cursing another instead. I was told by a pastor that i ruined someone’s life for what i did. People whom I thought I could trust turned out to be nothing but hypocrites. I was used. Used as a pawn for people to do things to achieve their goal. I was controlled and was only able to do things that i was told. If i did anything that was not told by anyone, i get lectured. Friends from church betrayed me. I was crushed. Really crushed.

Got into a relationship that was seen as a “sin”. A relationship that should never have happened. A relationship that turned me from a cheerful and positive girl to a depressed and negative person.

Yes, it was a same sex relationship. I was a pretty wild girl in the past and I love to do things that are out of the norm. Things that people see as “not right”, I’ve done it all. Things that Christians will stone me to death for doing so.. (at least that was what I was taught by Christians then...)

2 years into the relationship, I start to see things turn from bad to worse. It was mentally torturing.. I was drained and all I knew at that time was that I have to leave this relationship.

It took me a while and much effort before i could leave ...and it took my friends away from me. Friends which I’ve known for 10 years. Friends whom I thought were really friends.. but was all gone in one night.

I developed reactive depression... I was on medication for 2 and a half months. Memory started to become really poor, sleep deprived. Started gaining a lot of weight..(in conclusion, anti depressants are really bad and only helps for that moment, not long term.. and there are tons of side effects) ..and 2 and a half months later, I stopped my medication and even stopped going to the doctor’s ... it seemed to have became worse after i stopped the medication, but I told myself NO! I’m never going to ruin my body and be in a constant state of poor health. I look into other means of brightening up my mood. I started talking to my close friends, meditating and just singing. Anything that would make me happy. Anything that would cheer me up. I started putting positive thoughts into my mind... and for sure, things started getting better. But life didn’t feel the same.. I started becoming cheerful, but not as before. I wasn’t totally happy with my life...

And so one day, as I was on my way to a job interview, I passed by the church that i used to attend. And that is 5 years later. Twice, i passed by it twice. The first time when i passed by it, i resisted. I told myself to let the past be the past. And so I did not think much about it.

The second time, i heard a voice. A voice telling me to turn back. To go back... back to Him. And so, I decided to follow this voice. Took the first step and I went back.

I was still in doubt when i first returned.. but then things started to change when I hear another voice. “Let go, Let God.” I started receiving sermons that were so relatable, I read stories that were truly relatable. And i start to think, is this God’s way of speaking to me ?

Obviously, i couldn’t truly let go and trust what anyone says a 100% yet.. but i did let go .. bit by bit. And as i did, i start to see what miracle is. I start to feel what it feels like to be loved by Him. I start to see my prayers being heard. I start to see things differently and i start to feel like i’m living my life right again.

I started hanging out with my church family and even i could not believe how happy i actually am every time i am with them.

I started looking forward to Wednesdays and Sundays. I started asking God for more gatherings. I started praying every second ..

And i could say, returning to Christ is the best present i have given myself on my 24th birthday. 2 decades later, i learn that Jesus did not die on the cross for me to be upset about my life. He loves me for who I am.. yes, i may have sinned, I may have turned my back against Him, i left ... i disobeyed. But He never left. He never once hated me or looked down on me.

I also learnt that this path was definitely not what the Lord has prepared for me.. and because i was pretty rebellious in the past, i could have just easily listened to the devil and followed on his path instead of what God has prepared for me. But these thoughts never come to me ... i did what i wanted and as long as i did not hurt or kill anyone, i am not wrong.

This lesson was a hard one, but now i know that my past is what the Lord has for me to make me stronger, to make me learn.. to make me differentiate what is and what is not. He probably used this experience to bring me another step closer to Him. To show me His presence is for real. To make me realise that no matter what happens, He is there for me, He has my back and i will always be in good hands.

And i thank God for all the people who never left me when i turn my back against them. All the people He brought into my life to stay and those who left. He taught me how to appreciate the littlest things in life. He helped me find happiness again. He made me realise sometimes, somethings are shown to me by the devil using His name. But He also taught me to differentiate between what He really wants for me and what the devil is giving me.

On my 24th birthday, I made a promise to myself to surrender myself to Him and let His will be done. For He is worthy of it all. He is greater than all. With Him, nothing is impossible. With Him, i am revived. With Him, i am not alone! 🙏🏻

Signing off,

MakoVenus💋